David Addis's Blog – Page 2 – In pursuit of rock stardom and a nice sit down

Games you should play: iPad

This post should, perhaps, carry a health warning. If your spare time is so precious that you can’t afford some late nights spent doing something new, or that new project haplessly discarded as your attention is stolen away, just stop reading now. But if, however, you’re looking for some entertainment on your shiny new iPad, read on. I am here to help.

There is so much software available on The App Store that it’s hard to know where to start. Even if you whittle down by genre (“I like RPGs!”) you may find yourself the victim of developers who have snuck their product (“RPG Game!”) into the top 10, and spent more time on the marketing and sexy icon than programming some engrossing gameplay. And with the charts dominated by Candy Crush and Clash of Clans, the truly great games get squeezed out, much to the lamentation of any serious gamer.

You know those games that steal your time like some sort of hypnotic trick? You remember turning it on, then the adventure happens, and then suddenly it’s 3:30am, your eyes and brain hurt, and you must squeeze in 4 hours of sleep before you get up for work. These are the games that I’ve played recently that are like that – and I’m still grateful I found them!

5. Superbrothers: Sword and Sworcery EP

Originally released in 2011, Superbrothers targetted the iPad and despite a successful iPhone release as well, this is where the game shines. With some gorgeous and atmospheric pixel art, chipper chiptune (chipper-tune?) soundtrack, and a tongue-in-cheek self-aware narration and episodic structure, Sword and Sworcery EP has existed in this kind of alternate-dimension bubble entirely on its own, able to shrug off any pale imitations for 4 years.

This one might not steal an entire evening from you, after about 40 minutes of play it actively encourages you to take a break and come back when refreshed. The developers deeply care about your mood while you start (and finish) each episode and you will warm to the bizarre cast of pixelated characters.

Particularly I loved how they don’t directly identify the player, known as The Scythian. They drop in through other peoples’ comments that you are female. Perhaps if I was truly enlightened I wouldn’t even feel the need to mention this, but I thought it was great that they touch on it and don’t make a big deal out of it – as they should.

4. Game of Thrones

It’s just getting started, but the first two episodes are available now and set the scene nicely. Taking on the helm of multiple characters from House Forrester, you must guide the members of the family in an effort to prevent their House from being overrun and their precious ironwood forests being stolen.

It won’t necessarily become Thrones canon, but it does fit into it nicely, inserting its story at about the time of The Red Wedding in Thrones-Time, and provides the opportunity for plenty of cameos from the correct voice actors, such as Lady Marjorie, Cersei and Tyrion – making a decent year for Peter Dinklage in video games, along with his major role in Destiny. Roose Bolton also pops up as a particularly troublesome and threatening villain, and the game comes alive when he’s on-screen, conjuring up all the sadistic baggage he brings from the TV show.

TellTale’s real-time animatic of the Game of Thrones world intro is where some cracks start to show, it could never live up to the beautiful 3D mechanical vistas we’re used to, and when the characters play some janky animations in particularly hectic scenes, the illusion breaks down. I think they were right to concentrate on storytelling and not aesthetic naturalism, but it still grates nonetheless.

It’s still too early to tell if this will become an epic adventure game, or Just Another Scripted Adventure Game with a nod to its TV big brother, but the first episodes play well and TellTale have shown that they have the chops to deliver a full ‘season’ of entertainment with the biggest and best suprises left to the end.

3. FTL

In Faster Than Light, you command a small Federation Ship with confidential information that must be returned to the fleet. The problem is, the Rebel Fleet are hot on your tail, and you will find yourself seriously outnumbered and severely outgunned if they catch up with you. Using your wily wits, and some clinical multitasking, you must upgrade your ship as your traverse the sectors back to base, and manage the various crises that will break out on your travels.

At first the game might seem overwhelming, but through logical deduction you will find the best combination of weapons, find out how to upgrade your shield, or buy drones – or get a cloak to dodge incoming missiles… (I’m getting excited just thinking about it.) And eventually the once-powerful rebel ships will seem like trifling playthings, sauntering up to you simply to offer up their ship as scrap. And this transformation – the one that will happen entirely in your mind – is at once both empowering and spellbinding, as you become a powerful ship captain entirely through the power of your mind.

Originally a PC game, the port works well on iPad as you click on ship doors to open/close them directly, or paint a fearsome laser beam target across an enemy vessel. Be warned though, as the klaxon call of the captain’s chair is difficult to ignore after you’ve flown through a few sectors.

2. The Banner Saga

Mixing gorgeous 2D art with a compelling story of humans and giants trying to escape an apocalyptic event, The Banner Saga presents an unforgiving turn-based strategy game, where you must tightly manage resources and upgrades.

Restocking your caravan with supplies is vital, but so is keeping your warriors at the peak level, and they both draw from the same currency – ‘renown’. So at times you will choose not to level up just so you can feed the refugees you are leading away from a war. Along with many likeable characters, this makes an empathetic situation where you start to care about the people on the screen. Offering no quicksave/quickload, there are several Choose Your Own Adventure moments where you have to think quite brutally about what will be for the greater good. And often you don’t know if you chose the best path – only that you chose your own.

1. XCOM: Enemy Unknown / Enemy Within

Possibly the most addictive strategy game I have ever played, XCOM perfectly balances base-building with squad command. In a near-perfect balance, you must edge your troops forward to fight the aggressive aliens as you also upgrade your base and train your soldiers.

Everything from the PC game is here, including multiplayer, and support has been added for touchscreens so you can use gestures to rotate the camera and swipe through selections. The game can sometimes misinterpret your gesture, thinking you’re drawing a path instead of trying to move the camera, but I find these annoyances slight and not intrusive to the gameplay.

This game is perfect for tablets; you can play one mission or upgrade your base while you wait out that train journey, it looks good (it’s obviously been made compatible with older devices, so not maxing out newer hardware) and touchscreen controls fit the turn-based nature of the game well since you are never taxed with action gameplay, just thoughtful tapping and swiping. If you play one game in your life, make it this, or The Witcher 2. If you have an iPad, the choice is made for you.

Honorable Mentions

Where is ShadowRun? Oceanhorn? 80 Days, Valiant Hearts, VainGlory?! Well, they are all great games too but I wanted to share with you my personal top 5. Don’t take my word for gospel – have a look through the app store yourself too. Just don’t miss these gems!

Ceroc Beginners Class

Please note: These are the old moves that ran until the end of 2023. For the new beginners moves, please go to the new Ceroc Beginners Class page.

Who is The Manic Whale?

After a somewhat lengthy hiatus, I have returned to let you know there is some new music I’ve created available for download:

<a href="http://iamthemanicwhale.bandcamp.com/track/open-your-eyes">Open Your Eyes by I Am The Manic Whale</a>

I Am The Manic Whale is a Prog-rock experiment mainly heralded by my old friend and rock companion Michael Whiteman. He wrote the music and recorded nearly all the parts (i.e. the hard work) and I just dropped in to record a few fiddly guitar bits, then claim all the glory. Rob Aubitt pitched in to do the final mix and master of the track.

We’re hoping to add a few more songs to BandCamp as we go, and make the music available in more places. Enjoy!

A hardcore game developer’s favourite iPhone games

As a games developer, I have a rather high standard for games that entertain me. Staring at their inner workings for 8 hours a day has given me the keen ability to spot shallow game mechanics (not to mention lazy bugs) – and having played videogames for pretty much my whole life, I’ve been exposed to a good spread of genres, from twitchy platformers to thought-provoking RPGs.

I have a dilemma: there’s this awesome games machine I usually keep in my pocket – my iPhone (4S). It’s amazingly powerful given its size, yet the software on it is far too often lacklustre. I’ve trawled through The App Store for many an hour only to come away disappointed that there are no epic RPGs, no fantasy worlds in which I can wonder, and no fascinating characters with whom I can interact.

At least, there aren’t many.

Now there are plenty of very polished quick and fun games – Angry Birds, Where’s My Water, Cut the Rope… Games that require no explanation because you finish a level in one swipe and you’re immediately rewarded with glowing stars and growing, throbbing arrows. I can’t fault them in terms of either presentation or rapid gratification, but they’re never really satisfying on the same level as, say, The Witcher or XCom.

If I was a world-famous chocolatier, these things would be the equivalent of an advent calendar.

Do you find yourself wanting more? Here’s my top 10 list of deep iOS games. It might not scratch the surface of a fully-fledged immersion into PC gaming, but this is the best I can recommend!

10. Words with Friends

The first desynchronised multiplayer game that I remember playing, I chuckled with glee at the thought of sending off my wicked combinations of letters to my fellow players. It’s basically Scrabble by mail, with a slightly ‘Toys R Us’ feel to the user interface. Totally compelling if you like word games.

9. The Lost City

I never really played Myst, but I imagine it’s like this: visually sumptuous views of a forgotten world, and a tiny thread of story which is expounded upon by the clues you discover throughout your adventure.

The Lost City has been lovingly put together and it’s a pleasure to explore and interact with its environment. Tap on the edges of the screen to move in that direction, or tap and drag on the various puzzles to uncover the next secret.

8. Geared

An underrated little puzzler, Geared has you slotting, um, gears into place to connect a starting and ending, uh, gear. They come in different sizes (and later on, with different properties) and you must slide them together and avoid the deadly gearlock.

It looks simple at first but the compulsion to build a machine is quite irresistible, and there’s definitely a wonderful sense of achievement when you slot everything together and the gears turn away. One level in particular got me stuck for ages and I couldn’t rest until I’d solved it.

7. Spaceteam

Aka ‘Spadetram’ amongst my friends after a cursory typo, Spaceteam requires you to work together with 1-3 other iOS-tronauts, and bark commands at each other. You’re given a set of controls and must interpret the bizarre words yelled in your direction as you interleave your own requests that appear near the top of the screen. Above that, your tiny spaceship wings its way through space as you collectively shake your phone to avoid wormholes, and turn it upside down to dodge asteroids.

The tension and excitement that comes with real collaborative gameplay is unique in this game; too many times I’ve nearly missed my stop on the tube because I was too busy refreshing the biotic flange converters. And when you finally make it to sector 12, you will want to high-five like never before – as a Spaceteam.

6. Crimson Steam Pirates

A tongue-in-cheek story of both male and female pirates stirring up rivalries and disorder with the mighty Queen Victoria, Crimson has you steering your pirate ships around and issuing orders in a Frozen Synapse-style turn-based adventure. Set up your orders and special attacks at the start of the turn, then see them play out as the cannons fire.

The developers obviously had a lot of fun creating the missions, and as you are dragged through its preposterous and entertaining story, pictures of what appear to be the team and their friends dressed up as pirates do battle and emote towards the screen in stylised vignettes.

This polished and fun adventure might lead you by the nose a little at times, but it’s so much fun dragging your little ships around, ordering them to full steam ahead then lambaste your rival pirates with double powder cannons, you won’t mind in the slightest.

5. Carcassonne

After the somewhat inaccessible Xbox version, I was skeptical to see how this might play on iPhone. But sticking to a classic 2D approach, the developers nailed the deliciously pure puzzle gameplay of the board game and put in a few graphical tweaks (such as an ‘X’ which appears when tiles can no longer be connected) to boot. Also boasting stable desynchronised multiplayer, Carcassonne makes it easy to have multiple games on the go with your tile-laying friends.

4. Ghost Trick

One of the first things you’ll notice when you start playing Ghost Trick is that its animations are super fluid, and the entire game oozes style – its polished NDS original shows through here as the experienced hands of AAA game developers have clearly been at work before it made an appearance on iPhone.

You can’t fault it for an original concept – the game starts, and you’re already dead. By using your ‘powers of the dead’, you can influence the real world, and even travel back in time in small chunks in order to protect the other protagonists, and hopefully recover some of your memories.

The transition to iOS has worked nicely as you swipe to jump between different objects in the world, then interact with them to make your ghoulish intentions known.

3. Swords and Sworcery

The game itself encourages you to find a comfortable space, relax, and seal yourself into your earphones as you embark on this cheerfully pixel-heavy quest. The art style works perfectly with its retro-flavoured graphics to pull you into its environment and the characters and you will find yourself quite swept up in its fairytale world.

In what is essentially a side-on 2D adventure/exploration/battling/puzzle/wonder game, you will tap on the screen to move your nondescript character around the world and battle mysterious dark forces. The rain clunks down beautifully and the combat, although being somewhat of a rarity, offers up some scintillating interactions as you feverishly tap and rotate your way to victory. The juxtaposition of the epic setting, stylish presentation, and informal descriptions gel together to make something delightfully unique.

This adventure deserves to have been a top 10 stalwart, and not just a top 40 visitor.

2. Rimelands: Hammer of Thor

I was so pleased to find Rimelands on The App Store; finally, a turn-based strategy game with real 3D graphics, and an actual story! Rogue Planet had almost won me over, but the cool setting couldn’t carry its rather mundane combat. Rimelands’ stat-based battles, spread of abilities and intriguing loot kept me dungeon crawling whenever I could find a spare 10 minutes.

In this adventure you guide Rose, a punky and quick-witted adventurer, through several fantasy lands in search of the titular Hammer of Thor. The dialogue is hammy and churlish in places, but does serve to move on the story, and some of the characters (such as Rose’s grandma) are quite endearing.

The game clearly services some D&D roots as virtual dice roll across the screen during combat, which I found very well-balanced and entertaining. I’m still waiting for a sequel, Crescent Moon Games!

1. Civilization Revolution

It’s rare that I get so hooked on a game I count down the minutes until I can play it again, or feverishly check the clock to see how many remain until I have to stop. CivRev did this to me however, and provided a wonderful gaming panacea while I was travelling across The States and enduring some rather long coach journeys.

It captures much of the satisfying feeling of growth from its PC heritage, from the tense beginnings as you poke around with a few warriors, to amassing tanks outside a city ready for a climactic clash. The tech tree, advisors, and cloak-and-dagger negotiations with other leaders is all there, ready to be plucked from your pocket and enjoyed on the move.

So where is Ravensword, Chaos Rings, or Zenonia? The first of the three could be a good contender for a decent and ‘deep’ RPG on iPhone, I look forward to playing it when I get the chance. The latter two, though, I have tried and just didn’t find any fun at all.

Do you agree? Disagree? Have I forgotten anything? Do you desperately want to paste a link to where I can buy Viagra online?? Comment below!

Neglected Sexism – Wreck-it Ralph’s Ruin

This is no doubt in my mind that Wreck-it Ralph is a good film. I laughed, I liked the characters and wanted them to succeed, and went away feeling entertained. It managed to walk a fine line between not confusing casual viewers who know very little about computer games and catering to dorky obsessive nerds looking out for every tiny reference to game culture.

Warning: Spoilers Ahead! If you haven’t seen the film yet, you might want to come back and read this after you have.

Personally I would have liked a few more said references, my eyes and ears were finely attuned to spotting characters and locales I’ve already spent many hours playing through. Q-Bert and Zangief were welcome additions but sadly after the first 30 minutes the movie settled into its original characters and one main location – and a rather childish one at that, full of chocolate and sweets. I feel like Disney missed a trick – where was the Monsters Inc-like scene at the end, with them dashing through different doors (games), pursuing the antagonist and being forced to adapt to different game types? I wanted to see Ralph forced to play Halo one minute, Metal Gear Solid the next, then Puzzle Bobble… But of course just smashing his way through to the horror of the respective in-game characters.

To the film’s credit, there was one scene which touched me on a totally unexpected emotional level. Just when you feel like Ralph is making progress, he is forced into a situation where he must destroy something he has just created. Just as the ray of light is cast, it must be extinguished with his efficient form of destruction. He does it in a classic case of utilitarianism, and you know it’s the right thing to do, but just when he doesn’t want to wreck anything any more, he must: both the physical and the psychological. And he does it with consummate efficiency.

If this was the end of my review, Wreck-It Ralph might be somewhat forgettable; an enjoyable but shallow romp around videogames culture, but it also touched on a subject upon which I feel passionately. It almost excelled, but also totally blundered with its gender archetypes and equality.

You might be thinking, “Don’t be such a dashingly attractive idiot, Dave! There were several strong female characters in the movie, including a space marine and the racing girl.” You have a point, but they’re also overshadowed by their male counterparts at every turn. Oh, just incidentally, do you know their names? … But you remember Felix and Ralph, right?

Sergeant Calhoun is an excellent example of a writer trying to make strides to satisfy feminists like me around the world, and while I’m definitely glad the film wasn’t filled with Princess Peaches (who would inevitably be kidnapped at the drop of a hat), she had to be propped up by the Fix-It Felix character. She was essentially unstable, and while she did at least prove that she was physically strong, she was the only female marine. Couldn’t we have had some others dotted into the squad? On top of this she still had to become the love interest – as if we needed reminding that women are for impressing with our skills (or dorky admiration), and then should be married immediately.

And in an uncomfortable moment of classic sexism-overcompensation, there is a scene where Calhoun repeatedly punches Felix in the face. Ok – there was a contrived reason for this to happen (and the plucky handyman could ‘fix’ his own face with his hammer instantly), but my test for whether a situation should be acceptable or not (with gender, race, or any quality you like), is: does it still feel ok if the roles are reversed? If a burly male space marine was punching a small girl in the face, there would be outcry. We mustn’t try to ‘make up’ for decades/centuries/millennia of sexual oppression by going in the other direction. It just breeds more resentment. Now is the time for equalism.

Does it still feel ok if the roles are reversed? If a burly male space marine was punching a small girl in the face, there would be outcry.

Vanellope was shown to have racing skills, but was ultimately useless on her own. She couldn’t do anything to un-do the ‘hack’ that King Candy had performed on her (and her world). It wasn’t until Ralph appeared that she was able to do anything, thus cementing the idea that the women are incapable without a man’s help. She does come to Ralph’s rescue near the end of the film, but it’s done in such a flashy and unfeasible way I felt a little nauseous watching the scene play out.

I wonder how Wreck-It Ralph may have turned out if it had been a Pixar project. Perhaps they could have managed some of these issues with a little more grace, and ramped up the film in the areas I found lacking such as the cliche ‘action-movie’ ending.

Don’t get me wrong! I still recommend seeing it. It is a fantastically well-crafted story in a cheekily created universe… It meets my needs as a geek – I just wish they had rounded off the edges to please me as a liberal, too.

Digital Whimsy: The death of subscription gaming

I’ve started playing Star Wars: The Old Republic, Bioware’s hefty stab at capturing the MMO market, and I’m really enjoying it. It has a rich story that I’ve come to expect from their elite calibre of RPGs, and has me contendly suckling on their upgrade path teet from humble padawan to master jedi.

And it’s totally free. The decision to make the game free-to-play, while still offering a subscription was a bold one, and no doubt has attracted many new players who were curious but feeling too cynical after other disappointing massively multiplayer games. There is also a one-off purchase system where you can buy ‘Cartel Coins’ to buy in-game items.

I have considered subscribing, but not for any attractive in-game item they’ve offered me, or even to make up for some of the exclusive items available to preferred players, or, for that matter, to avoid the XP drain suffered by free-to-play leeches like myself. I wouldn’t give them money for any of the reasons they’ve attempted to coerce me.

I’d give them money because I pity them.

It’s ludicrous – they are a multi-million dollar company and I am a lone, quite unlucrative dude. But I see this huge product which cost 200 million dollars to make, and I feel the need to reward someone, to pat them on the back. And even though my money is mere pennies down the back of the sofa, I feel like it’ll somehow register in someone’s financial karma books, and a tick will be put next to the things I approve.

You see, the general subscription model is fundamentally flawed on the psychological level: it’s human nature to enjoy the things we know are in limited supply – as we crave those extra 5 minutes in bed in the morning – but in abundance any activity becomes mundane, boring, with the alternatives popping into mind and threatening to steal our attention. Subscribing works for the things we need indefinitely like electricity, water, rent… And extends to the entertainment we see needing forever, like internet service or specialist TV channels. Spotify have just managed to make music an indefinite desired service – but only because their system is very convenient, and relatively cheap.

it’s human nature to enjoy the things we know are in limited supply… but in abundance any activity becomes mundane, boring…

So when you combine a form of entertainment with a responsibility to play it (else be labelled promiscuous with your money), it creates a kernel of resentment which will probably grow as your players sink more and more time into that game. This can be seen in the reaction videos of World of Warcraft players as they delete all their characters. I’ve never played a WoW character to level 70, but I’m fully aware of the amount of time that must have been harvested here – and the cathartic digital self-harm that the video represents.

This is why the World of Warcraft subscriber base is waning – because people realise that they should be able to have their cake, or eat it, but they shouldn’t have to buy a new cake every month.

Star Wars: The Old Republic Cartel Market

Bioware have mitigated this with the ‘Cartel Coins’ system, a method by which they can still earn money from non-subcribers – but this still fosters a slight form of resentment, as you start playing a game on the basis of it being free, then discover that you have to insert your credit card number in order to unlock inventory slots, or learn more skills, or earn experience at the same rate as ‘loyal’ players. It’s not a large amount of money you need to hand over – you can correct most of these things for a one-off payment of £5 or £10, but it’s too late – they’ve already spoilt the sense of wonder, escapism and immersion by linking game features to your wallet. And it is, once again, harder to enjoy an experience when you forget you’re a jedi in a wondrous forest, and reminded that you’re a software engineer sitting at a computer.

It was obviously a very tough decision for them to migrate from subscriber-only to preferred-player and free-to-play, but it might not be enough. To really see their player base boom, Bioware need to make it free in all the ways that matter, so that players enjoy their experience from start to finish, and if they pay any money, it’s a long-forgotten experience when they come to playing the game.

This is no great prediction, but more an observation of the current state of the games industry in early 2013 – as entirely free-to-play games like Guild Wars 2 begin to shift into acute focus. And many more games such as Clash of Clans are free to download and free to play after that. You can still purchase items on the freemium model, but its impact on gameplay is not as vital. And we see games like Age of Empires Online or League of Legends, where you may purchase items but they will only ever have an aesthetic effect – you can’t unfairly boost your character’s stats with real-world cash. We welcome these games with open arms and they are also being churned out worldwide – perhaps the only limiting factor being the combination of words we can fit into the “X of Y” naming scheme.

So what will happen next? No doubt freemium will live on as subscription services are reserved for only the highest-budget games we can reluctantly agree to pay for – but perhaps we will eventually move to another system altogether: micropayments. In fact returning to the prescribed payment method for the first ever paid MMOs, we may see ourselves agreeing to pay per hour of gameplay the same way we rent movies online through Xbox Live or the Playstation Store. We’ll hand over our money at the start of every session, and go about our business free of any sense of commitment.

Alternatively, we may see more adverts creeping into games. And the same way we dive for the remote control in order to turn down the volume when the ITV advert breaks come on, we’ll wander off, or turn on the kettle as our gameplay is interrupted in order to shine shiny new products in our eyes. Hopefully, though, the very original system will live on: we pay money once, and we take our goods, and then we enjoy them without interruption. Let’s hope we can still play them when the internet goes down.

Reboot

And… I’m back. And reminded of how we humans did not evolve and adapt to 29 hours of flight crossing the world, because I’m feeling physically tired from the flight, but also disorientated to be back in my home country, a place I should understand, and yet also a place that threatens to sweep my life away uncontrollably with a new job, new place to live, and new way of life. And it’s cooooold.

Although, I actually missed being cold. That feeling of being tucked up in a soft jumper, or of warm tea coursing through you, pushing out the chills, was one thing I welcome back.

Like any holiday, it feels like it went quickly, but I remember that we did so much, said and saw so much, and I filled my 64GB iPhone with pictures and video, so there’s even proof. But no matter how inexorably slowly time passes, when it creeps over a deadline it feels like it went in a flash.

I hope you’ve enjoyed reading my blog updates from our trip down the East coast of Australia, and it’s persuaded you to embark on that adventure if you’d been mulling it over for far too long. The really scary thing isn’t the trip, or even the coming back, it’s that the time will creep up and fall away whether you plan something or not.

Opera Win: Free

Whoops! Be caaaaareful when you add events to Google Calendar, and then change time zones. We had a right mix-up in our first two days in Sydney, because 11 hours time difference can make events move days!

Being a conscientious and proudly prepared nerd, I had added the Dr Who Symphonic Spectacular to my GCal, and even set the exact start and end time, so that I would have the information readily available when we were planning routes to and from hostels using public transport.

So imagine my dread when I look at the date on my phone, then my ticket stub, freshly printed, dated for yesterday. Something inside me drops as I realise I should have been there 24 hours ago, and the show went on without our bums in the seats, two perfectly empty holes in the audience where our bodies should have been.

Google had helpfully added 11 hours to my original time. Worst of all I knew it had that feature anyway – GCal assumes you’re using GMT in London, then happily converts it to local time when you tough down in Sydney. I’d seen it munge our flight times, too, but knew the dates too well to be fooled then. But that’s not how humans work – we like local times so that our brains don’t get upset when it looks like the middle of the night but our cutting edge electronic gadgets tell us it’s 1:30pm.

And so it’s with embarrassment, then delight, as I return to the box office with my vestigial stump and they exchange it for tickets for that night’s performance. In a world of no refunds and limited culpability, the Sydney Opera House were very understanding and accommodating.

The show itself was a mixture of camp self-aggrandisement and stunning orchestral flair, and while the video screen showing Dr Who clips certainly set the scene, it was easy to forget the music was being played live as it was so flawless.

And of course, every so often a dalek appeared to wave its plunger menacingly at the audience, or a cyberman stomped along in a shiny faux-metal exoskeleton.

I just wish I’d recognised more of the themes and plot from the series – I think for that special kind of Dr Who nerd, it was the perfect night out.

Why pout?

Standing up on a surfboard is really not all that difficult – even when it’s on the water. I would suggest, however, that staying on it is the hard part.

Whilst in Byron Bay Laura and I wanted to take a surfing lesson (and even briefly considered the 5-day lesson tour which takes you down the coast as well), and we signed our lives away with ‘Soul Surf’ who did a combination package with kayaking (which apparently gave you the best view of dolphins). They, like many of Byron Bay’s inhabitants, were chilled out but dedicated hippies who had already mastered the art you have decided to fickly attempt.

Since the swell (i.e. the tide force, not a twee Americanism) was actually pretty rough, we all drove down to Lennox Head, and with about 10 other beginners, were shown how to lie on the board (it’s important to position your weight by using the length of your body for reference), and how to hop up – we were shown the quick way, and a more reliable 3-step method.

But no matter how much preparation you make on the beach, nothing prepares you for the wobbly experience of controlling a greased up sponge sliding over baby oil – all of your reference points are gone and most of your concentration wavers over to just trying to keep hold of the longboard beneath you.

They’re also tied to you around the ankle, so should you fall in, you might also get dragged along with the tide by your leg. The board was actually surprisingly easy to pull back, but once, while rattling around in the swell, it did pull me along somewhat unhelpfully as I bubbled around, trying to surface.

Laura and I both stood up; even at the same time, surfing in parallel. I can see it will take many hours before I could reliably paddle for waves, or look anything even approaching stylish.

We also saw a few dolphins swim by, their iconic fins rolling in and out of the water as they carved a route about 10m away from us.

I encourage anyone on the fence to give surfing a try; it was fun just throwing myself at waves, and if you have the aptitude you might end up looking professional, if somewhat fleetingly, after a few hours.

Tubular

8 years old again, I’m shivering with excitement and fear – and more than a little cold – standing at the top of a monstrously tall flight of metal stairs, ready to throw myself down a mysterious dark tube that threatens to gobble me up forever.

Or at least this is the strongest memory that comes to me as I wait in the back of a small plane, in one of two rows of people ready to throw themselves out of a window at 14,000 feet. And it feels crazy to be there at all – when it would have been so easy to stay at ground level, but now that I am here, I know I could never forgive myself if I chickened out.

You might not think skydiving had much in common with the water slides at Coral Reef swimming pool in Berkshire, but they resonate with the same excitement and fear. And I know I’ll feel proud when it’s all over. But now that I’m 31 I’m very aware that this should be fun, and that’s it going to be exhilarating.

And, even if I do die, it’ll be over quickly. I’ll see the ground coming and then… Nothing. The universe stops.

Fortunately though, I don’t die. In fact my tandem skydiving partner is extremely experienced and the company with which I am jumping has a flawless safety record. So perhaps that’s what I needed when I was 8 – someone strapped to my back.

I’d heard a horror story about misplaced straps removing vital male body parts when they’re improperly placed – so to break the ice I admit this to my tandem buddy: “I’m mostly worried about my junk.” Perhaps he’s heard it before as he replies, “I’m not paid enough to worry about that.”

The wait is probably the most nerve wracking as the plane slowly climbs; slicing through clouds and building up more and more height. After a while the distance becomes surreal, fortunately, and any gain in height becomes somewhat inconsequential as it’s simply a different extraordinary view above Byron Bay.

Then my partner instructs me to put on the eyeshield, tightens the straps that connect us, and one of the crew-members at the front opens the sliding door revealing perilous views below. There isn’t much more of a wait as two, three pairs throw themselves out, and I see Laura tumble away… And then, on edge, we start edging towards the edge.

I was told that as the tandem front-partner, you hang out of the plane awkwardly before you both spin off, but that point seems to take no time at all, as we’re hanging out, then twirling into oblivion straight after.

There is a brief moment of serenity, the split-second after we separate from the plane, then my partner stops our spin and we face right towards the ground, and then the wall of air hits… And I yell out as I’m attacked by atmosphere, and experience free-fall as I plummet towards the Earth, but it doesn’t feel like I’m falling – just that the ground is growing gradually amongst the tumult.

This part is difficult to remember and feels like it lasted next to no time at all – but I’m told there’s approximately a minute of free-fall. It starts cold but then seems to warm up – am I being heated in the atmosphere, like a spacecraft returning to Earth? Before I can consider it for long a tap on my shoulder tells me we’ll open the parachute as my partner Adam pulls on the necessary levers – and a surprisingly gentle jolt yanks us backward to slow our descent, and brings complete serenity as the rush of air is quickly replaced by a calm flapping of blankets in the air.

It’s beautiful as we glide left and right – and observe the model world below us. It reminds me of a brief glider flight I had years ago, but now I’m in the open air as well. We practice me lifting up my knees as we come in to land, and the planet eventually comes to meet us in a similarly gentle landing. Adam lowers me onto my bottom and I hop up, giddy with excitement and adrenalin.

I look around and find Laura who is also regaining her bearings, and we share a smile as we’re both glad – not just to have survived, as we knew how many safety procedures would be in place – but happy to have not walked down the metal stairs, childish stares judging us, but to have thrown ourselves down the water slide with full gusto.